'What did he use for rope?' 'Human hair. From my back.'

We need to have a heart to heart about long hair on men. I'm not talking about thefreakwhotookmetopromsophomoreyear metal hair, I'm talking about what European men (and particularly the Dutch) seem to think is cool. Think the Winkelwi before Twin A decided it'd be cool to have short hair and Twin B had to follow suit because god forbid they crap or sue Facebook without one another.

I usually embrace the whole Patrick Bateman look, but on the amount of hockey hair in this country is starting to creep me out. That, and throwing off my gaydar completely. I'm pro metrosexuality, but it's as if they are making up for all their chest waxing by growing it all on top. FYI -- waxing your chest is stupid (says the girl who used to date someone who did...). If you are sporting a Teen Wolf sweater, it may be acceptable, but otherwise, leave the chest hair, be a MAN. Fun hollywood fact: Ben Stiller gets his back waxed. Go Zoolander!

The long locks on their own would be one thing, but the hair with the copious amounts of product starts to get gross. It's like Flock of Seagulls meets middle earth, but they all have designer shoes. Shoes are another reason I have trouble picking out straight dudes -- everyone is in crazy designer sneakers and Prada boots. A colleague of mine accidentally wore two different shoes the other week; he points down to his feet and goes "I didn't even realize it until just now!", seemingly in shock. But it's not like one was black and one was brown, or one was old and one was new. They were both tan leather with outer stitching, slip on to the ankles and slightly squared toes. The big difference between the two was a sepia tone versus a more chestnut colour (heaaaaaar the sarcasm). One pair of these shoes for special occasions -- ooooh, you stylin' metrosexual you, who I bet would look good in pink. Two pairs of these shoes -- holy shit, don't you have anything better to do with your time than go shoe shopping? Like watch football? Or even darts? (the Dutch love darts. Check out The Wizard -- can't be Dutch with a mullet like that, but he was all people talked about during the darts World Championship. Yes, people talk about the darts World Championship. It's not bigger than non-American football, but close...too close).

Sigh. A little venting on my welcome home from vacay. Sit tight for more interesting tales from Queen's Day and holiday...